B!tches B Trippin'

Sitting in the sun, reflecting and thinking about who I am, who I've been and who I want to be. Thinking of a friend whose going through rough waters with her now ex man. Thinking of my job and how much more I could be doing with my life. Thinking of my past, present and future. My kids. My marriage. So why do I feel a tad bit angry? The answer that comes to me is that we women put up with a lot of shit. Shit we go through with men. The shit we deal with on a daily basis. Do we look good enough? Our body images. Self esteem. Am I a good mother? What do my friends think of me? I'm annoyed with how much shit we take and the things we sacrifice for all of the things mentioned above. We take low paying jobs to spend more time with our children. We lose out on adult social activity to go to parks, picnics and kid friendly activities. We criticize ourselves for not looking like Beyonce and the Sports Illustrated cover girl. My boobs aren't big enough. My stomach isn't flat. My hair isn't long enough and I need a pedicure and a wax job. I'm feeling very feminist today. We take the blame when our better halves do us wrong. We listen to the negativity and think what we could've done differently all to please him. We fill our bodies with birth control hormones to prevent unwanted pregnancies but increase our chances of reproductive organ cancers. Mood swings, heavy cycles, headaches. And brownies. Don't forget the brownies. But we do it and sometimes even with a smile on our beautiful, imperfect faces.

I love my boys more than life itself. And if I have to miss out on a girls night because they need me to tuck them into bed, so be it. I'd do anything for them. Call it Sacrifices. Maybe I'm rambling which seems to be my favorite but I have a point that I'm trying to make. We put up, go through and survive a lot and are typically under appreciated except on the hallmark card holiday called Mother's Day when we'll get a card, maybe some flowers and a messy house for the day since its a known fact we have the day off from responsibility. One day I'll be older and wiser and appreciate the trials I've gone through because in the end, I'll know exactly the path I've taken and where it'll have led me.

I guess this is what happens when you feel misunderstood. You ramble on the internet because you know if no one else will listen, your blog will.

To be continued...

She's ugly....


The End

4.23.13

I never really know how I want to start my blogs so I figured today I'll just ramble and go from there. Rambling FTW. Life has been...life lately. Up's, down's and everything in between. My boys are getting bigger and smarter by the day. Roman will be 10 in four months and I can't believe it. He was once my little buddy who slept in the same room as me. Just him and I. Now he's a cool little dude that runs and jumps and plays and wants to do all things *boy*. He is much like his mama though. He wears his heart on his sleeve, he's emotional and kind. I see a lot of myself in him. Kaden is 6 and full of bossiness and curiosity. He often asks when's the last time I've changed Seven's diaper or if he needs a fresh bottle. I have to remind him who the parent is in our relationship. He's so smart. And inquisitive. He's going places. They were both recently award recipients at school and I'm proud of them. Seven is at the ripe age of 18 months. He is funny, happy, and the king of the castle. He's finally walking and will converse with you about any topic of your choice. Although you may not understand his babbles and jibberish, you'll certainly enjoy his company.  They own my heart, that is for sure.

I'm still a work in progress when it comes to my anxiety but I've made great strides in the last year or two. I've pushed myself and worked hard to get where I am. It is never easy and always a struggle but the fight in me is there. I hope to be able to travel one day. Hopefully soon but I know that isn't a reality. I've finally made it back up to Bandimere. Such a good feeling to be there, to hear the roar of the cars that bring back so many beloved memories. Hopefully we'll be back there this summer for the events that will take place. I'd like to take the boys to Night of Fire and Thunder. I remember going there as a kid, the rumble in your chest as the dragsters and jet cars flew down the track. I'm so grateful that I'll be able to share that experience with my own kiddos.

We've recently moved into a house. It's SO good to be back into a home that has a backyard for the kids and dogs, a yard to garden and plant in, neighbors who that are the same age group with kids! I hope we're here for a long time until we can buy a place to really call our own. We're also officially done having babies. I thought that I would be sad but I'm not! I'm excited to grow our little family into great young men and spend the rest of my life being married and enjoying all of our many blessings. 3 is plenty I've come to realize. It's exhausting being a Mom but its always worth it.

I will be 29 in 5 months. Oh Lord. One year closer to 30. Bring it on....

Rambling done, I've got pork chops in the crock pot!

7

The past year has flown by faster than any I can remember before. You'll be a year old next month and I'm stunned as to how we got here this quickly. I remember your birth as if it were yesterday. I knew you were going to come on our wedding anniversary, I said it all along. I was so nervous but oh so ready to finally meet you. My little wiggly baby that had kept my up at night, made me eat 10 meals a day, waddle like a duck occassionally pee on myself. It was all worth it. More than worth it. You are so bright, happy, funny, sweet and adorable. You love your brothers and all of their belongings that now belong to you as well because you say so and if you say so then that's just the way its going to be. You're the baby of the house after all which in turn means the king of the house. Seven, at 10 months old, you have 8 teeth, you're a mean crawler, you're standing with assistance but not quite ready to stand on your own. DaDa seems to be your favorite word, much to my disapproval. Sometimes I'm Mama and sometimes I'm Mimi. You haven't picked a favorite yet. You're a little on the bossy side but only if you're tired. You ride in a convertible car seat now that I think you find more comfortable. You're still not fond of going to anyone besides me or Dada. I wish I knew what you're thinking sometimes. I love to watch you sit and play, chase after your brothers and yell at the dog. Soon you'll be walking and getting into even more things. Oh, you also like to bite. Randomly. It hurts. Stop it. You've also started to wave bye-bye. However, if you know that I'm the one going bye bye, there will be no waving of any kind but tears instead. It breaks my heart. I wish I could be with you every minute of the day but this pesky thing called "work" takes me away everyday for awhile. You still sleep in our bed and I think Dada is ready to kick you out and into your own bed. You could sleep in my bed until you're 18 and I wouldn't mind :) I love you baby boy and I'm so excited to see what your future holds. Now stop eating dryer lint and give mama/mimi some kisses!

My guardian Angel

Rewind to early 2010. We lived in a small rental house in Aurora, JR was working full time, Roman was in school and Kaden in preK. I stayed home and did the stay at home Mom thing. I noticed I was starting to feel strange. I'd be exhausted and completely out of breath just going up a flight of stairs, my appetite had increased and I was tired. I knew I wasn't pregnant because I had an IUD in place. I went to the 9Health Fair in hopes of getting some answers. During my exam, the nurse practitioner asked if I had an IUD. I told her yes. I now know that my IUD was dislodging and due to this exam, completely dislodged and relocated. I was already pregnant and had no idea. At a trip to the Dollar Tree one afternoon, picking up random dollar tree treasures, I seen pregnancy tests. For whatever reason, I bought one. Went home, took the test and to my utter shock, it was positive. Didn't believe it, it was from the Dollar Tree after all. Went to Walgreen's and bought a First Response. Took that one and same thing. A big, pink, positive line. I called JR in a panic and told him I didn't know how it was possible but that I was pregnant. I went to Planned Parenthood in an attempt to get more proof and and find out where the hell my IUD was. Apparently on vacation. Planned Parenthood did a test and an exam. Positive test, no IUD to be found. So where was it? Did it fall out and if so, HOW could I have not seen that?? They told me I needed an ultrasound. I made an appt with an OB. At my appt, the new nurse practitioner did an ultrasound and seen that I was about 6weeks along AND there was the IUD. In my uterus. She said it would be dangerous to leave it in while pregnant and even life threatening, but not to worry, she'd remove it carefully. After several attempts, with my feet sweating and breath held, she didn't get it. Said to make an appt with her colleague and he would try. I came back a week later, he tried and tried, again with me in an intolerable amount of pain, he was unsuccessful. He suggested a surgical procedure in which I would be under anesthesia. Said it would be likely that I would miscarry. I didn't feel like that was the best decision so I went to seek a second opinion. I went to the OB clinic that delivered Roman and Kaden however, my OB was no longer in practice. Dr. Gerow did an ultrasound at my first appt with her and she too seen the IUD but unlike the last Dr, said it wasn't a threat to me or the baby, especially if the pregnancy lasted past 12 weeks. So with a breath of fresh air and no longer in fear for my life or this new babies life, we planned for a new addition. I was due in January 2011. Things went fine with the pregnancy itself. I felt great, gained weight, and was now at a point where I had accepted that I was going to be having another child. I was happy. By the time I was 18weeks, I couldn't contain my anticipation to know what we were having. With two boys already under my belt, I was desperate for a girl this time. We had an ultrasound at a high risk Dr. due to my IUD still being in place. It was a very nice and comfortable office. The ultrasound room was softly lit, viewing chairs for family. She went along with the ultrasound and asked if we wanted to know the sex. Well DUH! She rolled her little wand across my belly and what. is. that. Bingo. A dark circle with an arrow. She asked if I knew what that was....'no, lady, I don't.....what could that POSSIBLY be.... You guessed it. Boy #3. I cried. I wanted a girl and pink and barbies and pedicures. But no. More hotwheels, messes, wrestling and skate boards. We left the appointment a little disappointed but there was no turning back now...he was on his way. The next day I felt different. My appetite was off, I was having strange discharge. I didn't think anything of it and went about my day. Later that night I was chatting online with a group of women who were also due with babies in the month of January. We had become good friends and spoke daily. I told them I was having a strange amount of braxton hicks contractions. They weren't painful but were consistently every minute or so. They told me what anyone would, go lay down and drink a mass amount of water. I assured them I would but I knew there was nothing to worry about. Throughout the night the contractions continued. I barely slept because they were so frequent and now were accompanied with pain and blood. I knew this wasn't right. Something was definitely wrong. I called the after hours line at my Dr's office. When my Dr called back, she told me to take an Advil, drink some water and try to get some sleep. This was puzzling. I'm 19w pregnant, I'm contracting and bleeding and you want me to "try and get some sleep". I should've went to the ER but I followed her direction. I laid down. I avoided the Advil because I've always known that's a big no no during pregnancy. The next morning I was still contracting so the Dr told me to go to L&D. (Labor and Delivery) My Mom met me there and Jr stayed home with the boys. At the hospital, they did an exam and put a contraction monitor on my belly. I was still contracting every 2 minutes so they admitted me. I was given antibiotics in an IV and a shot in the HIP of Toridal (sp?) THAT was painful. The shot was supposed to make my contracting subside. After a few hours of monitoring, things had slowed down. The contractions stopped. Something was working. They sent me home. However, the on call Dr wanted me to go see another Dr at a hospital about 25 minutes away. At this point, my life was still pretty much controlled by my anxiety. How was I going to get to this hospital? It was so "far away" and out of my comfort zone. I couldn't drive myself there. I asked if he could come to the hospital I was already at since that's where his office was. The answer was no. They offered to take me by ambulance. That scared the daylights out of me and I declined. She said I could go home and call back if things picked up again. I was prayerful that they would not. I was wrong. That night the contractions and blood returned in full force. I again called the after hours Dr, and again was told there wasn't anything they could do. By the next morning I was in pain and let the Dr know. She had me meet her at L&D once again. When I went this time, things were very different. I was expecting them to rush in, start the antibiotics and bring in the dreaded shot to jab in my hip again. Nothing. It was quiet. My Mom and I couldn't figure out why there was a lack of urgency, why nothing was being done. The nurse said they were going to let me rest until the Dr arrived. When she did, an ultrasound tech came in, by this time I was in a lot of pain and asking for pain meds. Things were happening very fast. After the ultrasound she told me and that I was in active labor, I was dilated to 5 and he was going to be delivered but would not make it. I think a combination of being in shock and the Fentanyl blurred my thinking. I couldn't comprehend the situation and what was about to happen. I was moved to a delivery room, given an epidural and delivered my 11oz son. She also found my IUD with the strings wrapped tightly around the body of the IUD .
     We hadn't even picked out a name for him yet, this was not supposed to happen. But it did. I wasn't strong enough to hold him. I was afraid that his lifeless little face would forever be burned into my memory. I wanted to remember him as the little baby in my belly that kicked and thumped all hours of the day and night. Our little sweet, surprise.
       Taylor Alexander Billings was cremated and his ashes lay amongst those of his Grandpa Ed and little dog Duke in our living room. I also have some in a tiny titanium teddy bear on a bracelet. He'll be forever missed.

"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother, she'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors"

Ahem, Hello there

*Blows dust off of blog*

Dusty! Haven't blogged in over a year but thanks to my pal, Amani, I remembered my poor little blog, sitting here lost in the internet world. Anyhoo, much has changed and some has not. Its now 2011 and I am trying, trying, trying to get it together. With my anxiety, a J O B (A real one), debt, etc. I can't figure out what I want to do. I want to do something fun, I DON'T want to sit in a stinky office 9 hours a day, staring at a computer. Blah, no thank you. So....who knows. I can be a pirate, a tattoo artist, something in fashion, I don't know. It will come to me sooner or later and here's betting on sooner. I've been working on my anxiety lately. It just gets aggravating not "being able" to go the places I want to go or join my family for things downtown or here or there. I only have one shot at life and anxiety is in the drivers seat and won't push the peddle. So, I'm trying to shove that bitch OUT of the car, while driving 100mph. Metaphorically speaking. It doesn't help that stress creeps are always around the corner, waiting to pop out and surprise/frighten me. There's Bill (bills) who never goes away, I can control him once and awhile but for the most part he always has his hand out for something. Debby (debt) who threatens to ruin my credit report. Oh well....things will work out and I have faith that it will be soon.

On a sad note, we lost our 3rd son, Taylor Alexander on August 21, 2010 due to a stupid IUD that was stuck in my body that resulted in an infetion, which in turn caused me to go into early labor. I think about him everyday. What he would have been like, who he would have looked like, if he'd be like his brothers and in what ways. My due date came and passed and I tried not to think about it. I am easily irritated and frustrated and I'm sure thats the main reason why. I didn't know him for very long but I do miss him very much. I hope, wait, I know, he's in Heaven with his Grandpa Ed and whoever else greeted him when he made an early arrival. Sigh. Miss you little guy.

Roman and Kaden are great. They make me smile daily. They are funny, smart, handsome little men and they make me proud. Roman is in first grade and enjoys being in school. He is such a pleaser and is always eager to make people happy. Kaden is a little monster, cute and destructive. I wonder where his thoughts come from. He asks inquisitive questions, "What's in your eyes?" etc. Love them both more than they will ever know.

Its now 2011 and I'm on a mission. New job, more moolah, anxiety to take a hike annnddd yeah, 'Get it Together' is the 2011 motto. And so you learn!

"God said he would never put more on me than I can handle, I just wish he wouldn't trust me so much." -Mother Theresa

8.5.9

Today's adventures included a trip to Target, Petsmart and Utah park. I throughly enjoy going to target, even when I know I'm not in need of anything. But something about that big red store and all of its product, fascinate me. After my quick mosey through Target, we ran over to Petsmart. Kaden took off Chloe's collar the other day and has since misplaced it. In search of a new one, something caught my eye. It was the cutest dog I'd ever laid my eyes on. He, and I assumed it was a he from the moment I seen him. According to the adoption kennel he was in, he was a st. bernard/german shepard mix. Adorrrrable!! Now all puppies are cute but he was a special one. I stuck my hand through the wired cage and he came right over. He knawed on my fingers as if they were raw hide. He had all the features of a German Shephard, gold and black coloring but big Bernard paws. I was instantly in love with him. He was playful yet gentle. Attentive but not agressive. Now 4-5 years ago I would've snatched this little boy up and brought him right home with me. But being a respectful wife, I did not this time. :( JR would've been mad at me for a year if I were to get a dog wthout his agreement. One day I will have a big happy dog though. Whether he likes it or not :) I said my goodbye to the little doggie after Chloe's dog tag was engraved. I watched as he pressed his snout up against his cage, tail wagging, "take-me-with-you" face and all. :( Went over to Utah park later in the afternoon. I wasn't feeling too great so I wasn't intending on staying long, but enough for the boys to play and get a little bit of energy out of them. There was a City of Aurora photographer there, taking pics of the playground and random kids playing. He asked each and every parent there to sign a release form EXCEPT me.. What the hell?! Was it because Kaden wasn't wearing a shirt and looked like a mongolian cave man? Or because my kids aren't blue-eyed and blonde haired? Who knows. Anyway, had a good ol take out dinner, cleaned up the backyard, pulled weeds, mini bike ride, a waffle cone with my fav ice cream and now time for a movie and relaxation. Sweet! G'night blogworld!