Rewind to early 2010. We lived in a small rental house in Aurora, JR was working full time, Roman was in school and Kaden in preK. I stayed home and did the stay at home Mom thing. I noticed I was starting to feel strange. I'd be exhausted and completely out of breath just going up a flight of stairs, my appetite had increased and I was tired. I knew I wasn't pregnant because I had an IUD in place. I went to the 9Health Fair in hopes of getting some answers. During my exam, the nurse practitioner asked if I had an IUD. I told her yes. I now know that my IUD was dislodging and due to this exam, completely dislodged and relocated. I was already pregnant and had no idea. At a trip to the Dollar Tree one afternoon, picking up random dollar tree treasures, I seen pregnancy tests. For whatever reason, I bought one. Went home, took the test and to my utter shock, it was positive. Didn't believe it, it was from the Dollar Tree after all. Went to Walgreen's and bought a First Response. Took that one and same thing. A big, pink, positive line. I called JR in a panic and told him I didn't know how it was possible but that I was pregnant. I went to Planned Parenthood in an attempt to get more proof and and find out where the hell my IUD was. Apparently on vacation. Planned Parenthood did a test and an exam. Positive test, no IUD to be found. So where was it? Did it fall out and if so, HOW could I have not seen that?? They told me I needed an ultrasound. I made an appt with an OB. At my appt, the new nurse practitioner did an ultrasound and seen that I was about 6weeks along AND there was the IUD. In my uterus. She said it would be dangerous to leave it in while pregnant and even life threatening, but not to worry, she'd remove it carefully. After several attempts, with my feet sweating and breath held, she didn't get it. Said to make an appt with her colleague and he would try. I came back a week later, he tried and tried, again with me in an intolerable amount of pain, he was unsuccessful. He suggested a surgical procedure in which I would be under anesthesia. Said it would be likely that I would miscarry. I didn't feel like that was the best decision so I went to seek a second opinion. I went to the OB clinic that delivered Roman and Kaden however, my OB was no longer in practice. Dr. Gerow did an ultrasound at my first appt with her and she too seen the IUD but unlike the last Dr, said it wasn't a threat to me or the baby, especially if the pregnancy lasted past 12 weeks. So with a breath of fresh air and no longer in fear for my life or this new babies life, we planned for a new addition. I was due in January 2011. Things went fine with the pregnancy itself. I felt great, gained weight, and was now at a point where I had accepted that I was going to be having another child. I was happy. By the time I was 18weeks, I couldn't contain my anticipation to know what we were having. With two boys already under my belt, I was desperate for a girl this time. We had an ultrasound at a high risk Dr. due to my IUD still being in place. It was a very nice and comfortable office. The ultrasound room was softly lit, viewing chairs for family. She went along with the ultrasound and asked if we wanted to know the sex. Well DUH! She rolled her little wand across my belly and what. is. that. Bingo. A dark circle with an arrow. She asked if I knew what that was....'no, lady, I don't.....what could that POSSIBLY be.... You guessed it. Boy #3. I cried. I wanted a girl and pink and barbies and pedicures. But no. More hotwheels, messes, wrestling and skate boards. We left the appointment a little disappointed but there was no turning back now...he was on his way. The next day I felt different. My appetite was off, I was having strange discharge. I didn't think anything of it and went about my day. Later that night I was chatting online with a group of women who were also due with babies in the month of January. We had become good friends and spoke daily. I told them I was having a strange amount of braxton hicks contractions. They weren't painful but were consistently every minute or so. They told me what anyone would, go lay down and drink a mass amount of water. I assured them I would but I knew there was nothing to worry about. Throughout the night the contractions continued. I barely slept because they were so frequent and now were accompanied with pain and blood. I knew this wasn't right. Something was definitely wrong. I called the after hours line at my Dr's office. When my Dr called back, she told me to take an Advil, drink some water and try to get some sleep. This was puzzling. I'm 19w pregnant, I'm contracting and bleeding and you want me to "try and get some sleep". I should've went to the ER but I followed her direction. I laid down. I avoided the Advil because I've always known that's a big no no during pregnancy. The next morning I was still contracting so the Dr told me to go to L&D. (Labor and Delivery) My Mom met me there and Jr stayed home with the boys. At the hospital, they did an exam and put a contraction monitor on my belly. I was still contracting every 2 minutes so they admitted me. I was given antibiotics in an IV and a shot in the HIP of Toridal (sp?) THAT was painful. The shot was supposed to make my contracting subside. After a few hours of monitoring, things had slowed down. The contractions stopped. Something was working. They sent me home. However, the on call Dr wanted me to go see another Dr at a hospital about 25 minutes away. At this point, my life was still pretty much controlled by my anxiety. How was I going to get to this hospital? It was so "far away" and out of my comfort zone. I couldn't drive myself there. I asked if he could come to the hospital I was already at since that's where his office was. The answer was no. They offered to take me by ambulance. That scared the daylights out of me and I declined. She said I could go home and call back if things picked up again. I was prayerful that they would not. I was wrong. That night the contractions and blood returned in full force. I again called the after hours Dr, and again was told there wasn't anything they could do. By the next morning I was in pain and let the Dr know. She had me meet her at L&D once again. When I went this time, things were very different. I was expecting them to rush in, start the antibiotics and bring in the dreaded shot to jab in my hip again. Nothing. It was quiet. My Mom and I couldn't figure out why there was a lack of urgency, why nothing was being done. The nurse said they were going to let me rest until the Dr arrived. When she did, an ultrasound tech came in, by this time I was in a lot of pain and asking for pain meds. Things were happening very fast. After the ultrasound she told me and that I was in active labor, I was dilated to 5 and he was going to be delivered but would not make it. I think a combination of being in shock and the Fentanyl blurred my thinking. I couldn't comprehend the situation and what was about to happen. I was moved to a delivery room, given an epidural and delivered my 11oz son. She also found my IUD with the strings wrapped tightly around the body of the IUD .
We hadn't even picked out a name for him yet, this was not supposed to happen. But it did. I wasn't strong enough to hold him. I was afraid that his lifeless little face would forever be burned into my memory. I wanted to remember him as the little baby in my belly that kicked and thumped all hours of the day and night. Our little sweet, surprise.
Taylor Alexander Billings was cremated and his ashes lay amongst those of his Grandpa Ed and little dog Duke in our living room. I also have some in a tiny titanium teddy bear on a bracelet. He'll be forever missed.
"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother, she'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors"
